It has been eight months since I last sat down in front of a computer screen and wondered 'what do I have to say'? Never mind just in front of a computer screen, but in every aspect of my life. I slowly began to emotionally shut down. My opinions are being kept to myself, that protective casing has formed around me and I've been waiting for the storm to blow over. Little did I realize that the storm was a slow moving one, and one I realized I wasn't fully prepared for. While I was trying to ready myself, get my defenses going, I ended up shedding a skin somewhere along the way and now, I'm left more exposed then I originally intended.
A lot has changed in eight months. Some good, some bad. Can't have one without the other, right? Or at least, that is what we've been groomed to believe. If we believe at all. What are we suppose to believe in? God? A higher power? Our friends? Family? Business partners? What about ourselves? I use to say that I had faith in myself, I only needed to believe in myself - but when that option is taken away, where am I suppose to turn? I've been bred to rely on myself for my own happiness, and I've done just that for a good portion of my life. Luckily, that was aided by the fact that I've never been alone. In my head, maybe, but physically? Never. Why? I was graced with a twin. I've never had to exist without her, and even if for some reason we aren't spending our lives together as we have for nearly twenty six years, I find peace in knowing that she still exists. We were brought into this world together, even if we don't depart it together, we'll always be together. She is the better part of me, really, even if she's impatient, irrational and has anger issues, her flaws are my strengths, as mine, I'd like to think, are hers. We exist together, even when we try to create our own individuals amongst each other. Because of her, I know that in this big, strange, scary universe, I'm never alone.
I'm never alone. I fight for the quiet time I need, and though everyone in my life who cares about me, tends to fight me along the way, I am granted that freedom from time to time. I fight for a lot of things. I've always fought for myself. For my sister. For my father. I fight, too much. I fight at work, to get what I want, what I deserve. I fight for my sanity. I fight for my writing, my creative ability to do something better with this world. I fight everyone, and no one at the same time. Most importantly, I fight myself. In the last few months, I've grown tired of fighting. When November finally arrived, I felt like my eyes were wide open for the first time. I was fighting all this time to become myself, to be the writer I knew I could be, the wonderful person I know I am, the once in a lifetime epic friend I've proven myself to be. So much fighting, with nothing to show for it. My relationships were becoming one sided, I was being lost in the crowd, drowning in everyone else's wants, or needs. I was finally putting others before me, which felt great. Until I disappeared. Take away the title of 'aspiring writer' and what am I left with? A plus size, one perfectly kept, shell of a woman. I gave everything I could to several people in my life and what did I get in return? Nothing. I'm not saying I needed praise, or thanks, appreciation - any of that. I needed, above all, recognition. I needed someone to offer me their hand because they wanted to hold my hand for the right reasons, and not for their own selfish ones.
All of that leads me to right now. What is happening right now? I'm letting go, something I've never been good at. I understand that things happen for a reason, if they are meant to be, they'll develop on their own. Friendships, happiness, love, it all needs to happen on its own. So I've let go of wanting to be a writer. If whatever 'talent' I have is meant to be shared with the world, it will. I'm not fighting for that creative desire to strike me again, I'm letting it go. As for friendships? I'm not fighting for them anymore. I've lost my strength to continue holding on, and being the only one to do so. As it's been said, 'I'm wiping my hands clean'. I'm letting go. What's done, is done and it's time to move on. The past is nothing more than the past. Time to chalk it up to lessons learned, face value is all it is now.
And what about happiness and love, you're wondering? Well, they are two peas in a pod. If you don't love yourself, you won't ever be happy. With that said, I'll speak for myself now. I know that I will love myself, truly love myself, again one day. When that happens? I'll break that protective casing around me and I'll pull my head from the sand.
Hopefully some day soon, I'll be able to return to this blog with that unquestionable fire, that passion I once had burning inside of me. Until then? I am what I am. If you don't like it? I won't apologize any longer for the current state I'm in, or who I am right in this moment. It's all or nothing, now.
A lot has changed in eight months. Some good, some bad. Can't have one without the other, right? Or at least, that is what we've been groomed to believe. If we believe at all. What are we suppose to believe in? God? A higher power? Our friends? Family? Business partners? What about ourselves? I use to say that I had faith in myself, I only needed to believe in myself - but when that option is taken away, where am I suppose to turn? I've been bred to rely on myself for my own happiness, and I've done just that for a good portion of my life. Luckily, that was aided by the fact that I've never been alone. In my head, maybe, but physically? Never. Why? I was graced with a twin. I've never had to exist without her, and even if for some reason we aren't spending our lives together as we have for nearly twenty six years, I find peace in knowing that she still exists. We were brought into this world together, even if we don't depart it together, we'll always be together. She is the better part of me, really, even if she's impatient, irrational and has anger issues, her flaws are my strengths, as mine, I'd like to think, are hers. We exist together, even when we try to create our own individuals amongst each other. Because of her, I know that in this big, strange, scary universe, I'm never alone.
I'm never alone. I fight for the quiet time I need, and though everyone in my life who cares about me, tends to fight me along the way, I am granted that freedom from time to time. I fight for a lot of things. I've always fought for myself. For my sister. For my father. I fight, too much. I fight at work, to get what I want, what I deserve. I fight for my sanity. I fight for my writing, my creative ability to do something better with this world. I fight everyone, and no one at the same time. Most importantly, I fight myself. In the last few months, I've grown tired of fighting. When November finally arrived, I felt like my eyes were wide open for the first time. I was fighting all this time to become myself, to be the writer I knew I could be, the wonderful person I know I am, the once in a lifetime epic friend I've proven myself to be. So much fighting, with nothing to show for it. My relationships were becoming one sided, I was being lost in the crowd, drowning in everyone else's wants, or needs. I was finally putting others before me, which felt great. Until I disappeared. Take away the title of 'aspiring writer' and what am I left with? A plus size, one perfectly kept, shell of a woman. I gave everything I could to several people in my life and what did I get in return? Nothing. I'm not saying I needed praise, or thanks, appreciation - any of that. I needed, above all, recognition. I needed someone to offer me their hand because they wanted to hold my hand for the right reasons, and not for their own selfish ones.
All of that leads me to right now. What is happening right now? I'm letting go, something I've never been good at. I understand that things happen for a reason, if they are meant to be, they'll develop on their own. Friendships, happiness, love, it all needs to happen on its own. So I've let go of wanting to be a writer. If whatever 'talent' I have is meant to be shared with the world, it will. I'm not fighting for that creative desire to strike me again, I'm letting it go. As for friendships? I'm not fighting for them anymore. I've lost my strength to continue holding on, and being the only one to do so. As it's been said, 'I'm wiping my hands clean'. I'm letting go. What's done, is done and it's time to move on. The past is nothing more than the past. Time to chalk it up to lessons learned, face value is all it is now.
And what about happiness and love, you're wondering? Well, they are two peas in a pod. If you don't love yourself, you won't ever be happy. With that said, I'll speak for myself now. I know that I will love myself, truly love myself, again one day. When that happens? I'll break that protective casing around me and I'll pull my head from the sand.
Hopefully some day soon, I'll be able to return to this blog with that unquestionable fire, that passion I once had burning inside of me. Until then? I am what I am. If you don't like it? I won't apologize any longer for the current state I'm in, or who I am right in this moment. It's all or nothing, now.
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