JUST YOU (and I)

Wow, it's been over a week since I've blogged. I'm already slacking, who is shocked? Not me! I've had people ask me when I was going to blog next, so here it is. It's not really a power to the fat girl type blog today, it's just going to be garbled mess of things going on in my mind lately. If it's boring, I apologize in advance.

Last night I did my normal Thursday night routine, watched Grey's Anatomy and Private Pratice. Though I was tired from fighting off a migraine (having called out of work and over sleeping most of the day) I kept my eyes open long enoough to make it through three hours of television. Regardless of how off I felt, I was still able to notice one particular storyline in Private Pratice. A couple met through the internet, they fell madly in love with one another. She was big, blonde and beautiful (this makes me think of Hairspray and yes, I giggle a little because of it) while the man was sweet, and skinny. The couple was odd to me, because I've never quite been able to wrap my head around the concept of the bigger girl who scores the skinny guy. Yes it's a dream we all have, to find that one who accepts us for who we are, makes us feel all warm, fuzzy and beautiful, and normally on our end we don't care so much about their appearance. As bigger women, we generally consider being plus size a flaw, so most of us are less judgemental about who woos us, at least on the physical side. I'm a crap shoot though, when it comes to this issue. I want that attraction. I want that little tiny spark to be there in the pit of my stomach when I lay eyes on someone, when I think about holding their hand or sharing a first kiss. That spark needs to be there, no matter how big or small it is. It just needs to be present. However, on the other end of the spectrum, I notice that even though someone I'm connected to many not be the most attractive person to me, their personality is wonderful. That personality out shines all the rest, and if a connection is made emotionally, then the attraction will come naturally as time goes on. That's how it's always been for me. Now, as time is going by, I'm wondering if that's considered settling. Do plus size women settle? Do we find the first available person who wants us, latch on and stay with them because they give us what every women needs? Partnered but never quite whole; settling. Then again, what if it's just me? Maybe I'm wired differently. What if being with someone because they adore you isn't settling, it's smart. Is it really settling when someone can you give the world, treat you the way you deserve to be treated, take care of you, support you.

I've never settled for anything, ever. I'm talking bigger picture here, not what restaurant we're all going to for dinner on Friday night, but the important things. My entire life I've wanted the world to think I was pretty, cute, beautiful. I've always heard, "You have such a pretty face". I hate that saying. My face isn't the only part of me that is pretty. My heart and soul is just as pretty, and I've struggled to make it so. Because of that, I've realized that I've never really needed a man to make me feel beautiful. I don't need anyone but myself to make feel whole, or happy. The only person who needs to make me happy is myself. The only person who needs to make me feel beautiful is myself. Same goes for the people in my life. My best friends, my family. I'm beautiful for myself because I'm beautiful to them, as well. They know me, really know me. They see me, flaws and all, yet they still know that I'm a good person, so if I don't wear make up one day, or don't pluck my eyebrows for a week, it doesn't change how they view me. They still love me, regardless if my hair is brushed or my waist is a size 24 or a size 12 (not that it's ever been a 12, but let's not get off track here.) Because of that gift I've been given by the wonderful people in my life, am I getting greedy by not needing a partner to make me feel beautiful? Have I gotten so much love and support by my friends and family that there is no need for anyone else in the world to see me as beautiful? I've met the alotted amount of beauty that it's all I need, ever? And if that is the case, will that essentially result in settling in the end? Being with someone just to be with someone, not because they make me feel beautiful, but because that's the path we're all suppose to be on? Finish school, get a good job, fall in love, get married, have babies and in the end, call that a good life. Am I wired so differently that I don't consider any of that a requirememnt for me? Maybe I'm selfish. That must be it. Or, maybe I already am settled. Who needs to fall in love, get married, create a life when it's so restricting, where I might lose the person I've fought so hard to become. I'm content. I'm whole, and I'm happy. Do I need anyone else, anything else? Is that considered lucky or crazy?

What about those who cannot be content, whole or happy without a partner? What makes them so different that we can't see eye to eye on this subject? Why aren't they able to see themselves for the beautiful being they are, and just be satisfied with that? Why must they require the attention (or approval!) of a man (or woman) to make themselves feel beautiful, complete? Do they not have the confidence, or the belief in themselves to allow them to feel such a way? What do I have that they are missing? Or what is they have that maybe I'm missing? Just because they are not the standard of what America considers beautiful (since when should we care what "America" thinks?) or because they aren't the weight they are 'suppose' to be, are they not worth the love and affection they truly deserve? And if that's the case, what can be done to get them the love and affection they desire without putting them in emotionally unbalanced situation. Can friendship, mutual love and respect bridge that gap or will they never quite get to that level of comfort within themselves until they've found that one person who forces them to recognize their own beauty, finally?

Since when do we really have to care what anyone in this world thinks besides those most important to us? If I'm shopping in a skinny kid store, do I have to worry that the woman behind the counter might think I'm too fat to be shopping here? Nope. Why not? Because her opinion of me doesn't matter. What she thinks won't effect who I am at the end of that day. And that, my friends, is that.

I've gotten distracted now, and with Jim Brickman playing on Pandora, I'm now way to zen to continue yapping on and on about seemingly pointless stuff. So, I hope ya'll enjoy your Friday, I know I'm not the only perso who appreciates the beauty of the start of the weekend!