I know, I know, two blog posts in two days - who would have guessed it? I'll be honest, I didn't plan on blog again for a very long, but today is a new day and things have changed. My mind is racing, still. So many thoughts and feelings are swirling around inside my brain, some want to get out and others don't. Which leaves me in a bit of a stalemate, don't you think? If not, you should.
It's hard to say one thing, then feel another. I say it's time to let go, then I feel an ounce of sadness wrapped up with it, which leaves me sitting with my hands clutched tight, each finger is slowly uncurling. I'm left with that overwhelming fear of what will happen if the last finger loses grip. Will I survive in the end? I've survived worse, after all. In my last post, I did describe myself as a fighter, yes? I can't make this post about how I'm a coward, now can I? Who wants to read the thoughts of a hypocrite? Not me.
This morning I felt a lot of sorrow. I realized that maybe I'm still attached and I'm unwilling to distance myself as much as I talked myself up to believe I was. I wallowed a little, remembering the good times, looking through pictures and old emails - only to find myself admittedly making a mistake. Then the rest of the day developed. Now? Well, now I feel sorrow for a different reason. I'm mostly feeling unappreciated and frustrated, which makes me angry. My emotions are all over the place now and I'm sitting here attempting to remind myself to just breathe. Relax. Don't be irrational, don't say things that will be hurtful, don't keep holding on and just let what is, be.
When I feel as much as I have in the last few days, I can't help but think about the bigger picture. What's the point of everything going on? What's the point of feeling the way I feel? Is there a point at all or is it all just wasted energy? Thinking of the bigger picture, I think I can chalk this current state in life to another reason why I consider myself 'a bridge' in a lot of relationships. I'm always the one who helps someone get from point a to point b. Whether that be a boy who wasn't quite ready to fall in love, who I helped to restart their heart, and is now in love with someone else; or a best friend who barely knew who she was, that I helped open up to the world and she's now beautiful, happy and everything she wanted - without me. It's part of growing up. People come and go, right? Every moment in time is just another piece to the puzzle, helping you, and me, become who we want, get where we need to go, discover what the world has in store for us, and that's all right. It's healthy, and beautiful. But is that all this world has in store for me; to let me take the broken and mend them so they can shine - be bigger, better, happier?
I'm the support system. Always have been, really. I am the bridge. I help rebuild from the rubble, help whomever cross that bridge, and then it's burned down. That person moves on and I'm left to smolder in the ashes left behind. Everyone needs a bridge, right? We all have things we need to face that we cannot do alone. Some people simply jump off the end, others take the help in order to cross the trouble waters, then there are some like me - we take the long way. The scenic route. I'd rather feel it all. Let me walk along the water's edge, never to get wet, move through the mud and the broken branches off the forest. I continue on the undeveloped path and wait until I find the next person who needs help, see if they are worth offering a piece of my soul to or not, before I decide to move along.
Now, thinking about that, did I just answer my own question? If I'm not a writer, who am I? What am I? I'm a bridge. All right. Now it's a matter of accepting that, or fighting for something better. I deserve more, don't I? When does it stop being about everyone else, and when does it start to be about me? When is the time for me to shed the weight of everyone else and step out on my own, for myself? Would it be now? Am I back at square one? Let go and move on?
Let go and move on. Okay. Here goes nothing (or everything).
It's hard to say one thing, then feel another. I say it's time to let go, then I feel an ounce of sadness wrapped up with it, which leaves me sitting with my hands clutched tight, each finger is slowly uncurling. I'm left with that overwhelming fear of what will happen if the last finger loses grip. Will I survive in the end? I've survived worse, after all. In my last post, I did describe myself as a fighter, yes? I can't make this post about how I'm a coward, now can I? Who wants to read the thoughts of a hypocrite? Not me.
This morning I felt a lot of sorrow. I realized that maybe I'm still attached and I'm unwilling to distance myself as much as I talked myself up to believe I was. I wallowed a little, remembering the good times, looking through pictures and old emails - only to find myself admittedly making a mistake. Then the rest of the day developed. Now? Well, now I feel sorrow for a different reason. I'm mostly feeling unappreciated and frustrated, which makes me angry. My emotions are all over the place now and I'm sitting here attempting to remind myself to just breathe. Relax. Don't be irrational, don't say things that will be hurtful, don't keep holding on and just let what is, be.
When I feel as much as I have in the last few days, I can't help but think about the bigger picture. What's the point of everything going on? What's the point of feeling the way I feel? Is there a point at all or is it all just wasted energy? Thinking of the bigger picture, I think I can chalk this current state in life to another reason why I consider myself 'a bridge' in a lot of relationships. I'm always the one who helps someone get from point a to point b. Whether that be a boy who wasn't quite ready to fall in love, who I helped to restart their heart, and is now in love with someone else; or a best friend who barely knew who she was, that I helped open up to the world and she's now beautiful, happy and everything she wanted - without me. It's part of growing up. People come and go, right? Every moment in time is just another piece to the puzzle, helping you, and me, become who we want, get where we need to go, discover what the world has in store for us, and that's all right. It's healthy, and beautiful. But is that all this world has in store for me; to let me take the broken and mend them so they can shine - be bigger, better, happier?
I'm the support system. Always have been, really. I am the bridge. I help rebuild from the rubble, help whomever cross that bridge, and then it's burned down. That person moves on and I'm left to smolder in the ashes left behind. Everyone needs a bridge, right? We all have things we need to face that we cannot do alone. Some people simply jump off the end, others take the help in order to cross the trouble waters, then there are some like me - we take the long way. The scenic route. I'd rather feel it all. Let me walk along the water's edge, never to get wet, move through the mud and the broken branches off the forest. I continue on the undeveloped path and wait until I find the next person who needs help, see if they are worth offering a piece of my soul to or not, before I decide to move along.
Now, thinking about that, did I just answer my own question? If I'm not a writer, who am I? What am I? I'm a bridge. All right. Now it's a matter of accepting that, or fighting for something better. I deserve more, don't I? When does it stop being about everyone else, and when does it start to be about me? When is the time for me to shed the weight of everyone else and step out on my own, for myself? Would it be now? Am I back at square one? Let go and move on?
Let go and move on. Okay. Here goes nothing (or everything).
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